There are times when being angry is appropriate. However, when you’ve just asked your child to do a task and they are in the process of pausing their game and taking off their headphones, you don’t need to say it again. They are getting to it. There is a big difference between making sure their game will wait for them and making sure the headphones don’t fall off the coffee table, and rolling their eyes and telling you to do the task yourself. Big difference. The second behavior? Yeah… what electronics?

Here are some emotional regulation tactics I use to keep from prematurely getting irritated or telling off a child:

Counting to Ten: This is a great way to remember that a 5 year old (or a 15 year old for that matter) can rarely do anything in only a couple seconds. Neither can you! So, if you are impatient, or trying to keep from saying the instructions a second time (possibly with more force than necessary, which would be a great way to create a “tantrum” which would just be the outward signs of your child’s overwhelm), take a deep breath in and out, and count to ten, realizing how long and short ten seconds is. Does that amount of time matter in anything except an emergency situation? Not really. Often by the time I am getting to the end of my self-imposed cooldown the task is nearly complete, or at least they are well on their way to go do the task. No yelling necessary. Also, my kids have learned to recognize my deep breath and listening to the clock tick. They know that mom is working on keeping her temper. This does two things: first, they know that they (or something) are pushing me and that I am working to keep my patience (no sense in me throwing a tantrum). Second, they are starting to adopt the tactic themselves. I have seen my older daughter do something similar when dealing with a miscommunication with her little sister. It’s nice seeing the things you use to parent well being used to benefit someone else’s life, too.

Taking a Moment to Actually See Them: These are not adults we are talking about. Their minds and bodies are not done developing. They’re so cute! Yes, your teenagers are still cute. My 14 year old niece is totes adorbs (she would cringe so hard if she knew I was saying this.) I remember how delicately she petted the beading and embroidery on my wedding dress when I tried it on at her mother’s house a few days before I got married. My sister was ready to distract baby with something else, and I said that she was being so careful. (Who’s chopping onions?!) How can you stay really, really angry at a usually good kid that you remember being that tiny and innocent? 

My oldest will occasionally push my buttons, but then I take a second and actually see her. How she stands and fidgets apprehensively. How cute she is. How much she has and has not changed from that tiny little baby we brought home from the NICU. Just seeing and processing those details can interrupt my irritation and bring my mood back to where we can have a discussion about what is bothering me about the moment.

Practice Being in the Moment: Take a good, deep breath and consciously relax your shoulders. Watch the process of their movements as they do the task you have assigned. No judgement. No dirty looks or impatient sounds. Just watch. Hear the sounds that the actions create. Can you hear their footsteps? Observe your child. Do they seem nervous of you? Are they really absorbed in the task at hand? What do they look like when they concentrate? Take a second and look at your mental state. Is it really your kids that has you wound up tight? Or are you projecting your irritation at another situation onto their not moving fast enough for your liking? Often times our irritations at a moment have nothing to do with that moment. We are stressed about something that happened, that will happen, or about what all we have planned or scheduled for the next 72 hours. If so, visualize boxing that other situation up and putting it onto a shelf in your mind to work on when you are not trying to get the kids through a routine. (This may sound crazy, but do not picture putting it into a closet in your mind unless you want it to wait for more than a few weeks.)

Being in the moment does not excuse bad behavior. It sees the progress and improvements. It means you are not thinking about what you want to accomplish after this routine is done, and you certainly aren’t going through your mental to do list while nagging your child through every step of their chore. It is being there, mind, body, heart and soul. Wherever you are, be there.

Music!: I have a private playlist on YouTube to put on the big T.V. in the living room or the Bluetooth speaker in the kitchen when it’s time to clean as a family. It’s called Cleaning the House Dance Party. Now, the kids groan when they hear Coconut by Harry Nilsson come on. However by the time the chorus comes around they are usually singing along. I use this for quick tidies around the house. I promise them just 2 songs or just 3 songs. I always stick to the promised number of songs. If you make them tidy for another song you’ve broken your word. Not cool.

You’re probably wondering where I am going with this. It’s a preemptive strike. This is a list of music that you can’t sit still to. Seriously. Who can honestly sit still to Dolly Parton’s 9 To 5? You also have to work to stay grumpy while listening to Abba’s Dancing Queen. Besides that, it’s a set time, to music most people happily move to, for a set task. I have other songs on there, and if they get too tired of the first few I will usually let each one pick one of the songs in turn to keep the mood and progress going.

Another way I use music is headphones.

Mama needs breaks through the day. In a multi-generational household there are sometimes altogether too many sounds for my listening-for-problems ears to process. So, dinner is usually cooked with me dancing around the kitchen to another playlist specifically for my ears. These are (mostly) uplifting songs like Rachel Platten’s Fight Song, Sara Bareilles’ Brave, Natasha Bedingfield’s Unwritten, and Beyonce’s Spirit. Then there’s my drown it all out song Spybreak! by the Propellerheads. If I need uplifting and drown it all out I go for Beckah Shae’s Awake, or King, or Freedom is My Anthem.

For concentration I have found that nothing works better than nearly anything by RainRider Ambience. While not exactly music, these are still wanted audio input that are pleasing to the ears that serve a useful purpose. Currently my two favorites are Hobbit Village Ambience and Sunrise Ambience. The visuals she has built are a-ma-zing and captivatingly peaceful. I usually use these for writing. There are times, however, when they get put on the big T.V. and seem to extend the size of the room and bring a lovely calm with the sounds of outside. In fact, while editing this I am listening to Sunrise Ambience to drown out the sounds from someone’s computer. (Totally not sponsored. None of these recommendations are sponsored. I just love these songs and this YT channel.)

Having used most of these almost daily, while getting them ready to play outside, or during bedtime, I can attest that this list of emotional regulation tactics works. Almost nothing ruins the mood during the routines of the day faster than a cranky, impatient parent. We are the adults. We lead by example. If we can’t keep our tempers and tongues under control, how can we expect our children to learn those skills?

What ways have you learned to keep your emotional cool? Please share them in the comments. We are all learning here.