Have you ever been here? Your to do list is three pages long. You feel as though someone else is running the show and not sharing the plan with you. You are tired for seemingly no reason, or if you do know the reason it’s really eight of them all clumped together. It seems as though everyone else has it together way better than you do. All you want to do is curl up in a quiet corner and cry and sleep, after burning your to do list and probably your phone, too. Can you tell I’ve been there?

Feeling overwhelmed is a frequent set of emotions for mothers. Fathers, too.

What is overwhelm? According to Mirriam-Webster, this kind of overwhelm means to be “overcome by superior force or numbers” and/or to “overpower in thought or feeling”, such as this example they gave: “A sense of inadequacy overwhelmed me.” Good grief, have I been there.

It’s easy to let the weeks go by with us just reacting to the happenings of each individual day. Pile enough days of drifting with no real goal in mind and it’s no wonder we look up during PMS and want to burn it all down. Or cry ourselves to sleep with recurring worries. Or just stand there, staring into space, with our to do list spinning in our mind so fast that we can’t pick any one item to tackle.

Sometimes a large life event takes most of our choices away from us temporarily. A baby in the NICU, a complicated pregnancy or recovery, or a car accident could all throw your daily life for such a loop that your brain puts you into tunnel vision just so you can stay sane.

Can I offer a few pieces of advice from a fellow mother who has had a couple (hundred) experiences with overwhelm? And before we get into it, let me state that I am not in any way a mental health specialist. Just a human and mama who has lived four decades and been through some stuff.

Write it all down. A good session of writing out everything that is spinning in your mind is a good way to help it stop spinning. Think of it as sticking the flying thoughts to the paper with the ink. Using your computer or a note app on your phone can work. Personally, though, there is something more real about putting pen to paper and feeling the motions of letting the worries and task list flow into the notebook. Writing out the thoughts and to do list is a great way to be able to go back over what has been bothering you and see what specifically is the problem. The culprit could be a long to do list, an impending deadline, it could be a deep worry about your adequacy as a mother, or it could be that you have so neglected your mental and physical health that even the slightest daily chore is a Herculean task. It could be a mixture of things.

There is no true “right” way of doing this. Some structure for sifting through the thoughts is not a bad thing if you decide to go deeper into your psyche. However, for finding out what is causing your overwhelm, it should not take much more than a page, or four, of writing everything that comes to mind to uncover the main cause.

Let go of any ideas of the perfect choice. There is rarely a perfect first action when you are facing a massive list of must do items. Pick one and run with it. Yes, take a few minutes to consider if one action would help a couple others happen easier. Be mindful of the time of day you are starting. If it’s midnight, then now is not the time to call the hospital about scheduling a follow-up visit. Waiting in the pick up line at your kids’ school is not the time to do a soul searching, cry-your-eyes-out, journaling session. Keeping stuff like that in mind, pick one and get it done. Often the action of taking control of some part of your life can help alleviate the emotional weight of overwhelm.

Self-care is vital during overwhelm. Self-care is not selfish. It is helping you be the best version of yourself in this situation.

So, get to bed earlier if you can. Use a notebook or your health app to keep track of how much food and water you have had each day (Do not judge yourself! Just make sure you’re not attempting to subsist on mochas and peanut butter toast. I speak from experience here, it just ends in you having the jitters and constipation). Meditation, prayer, and breathing exercises can all help you temporarily clear your mind and settle your body. Take a long shower or a comfortable bath.

Choose to wear the shirt that makes you happy. Get yourself into nature if you can (just 15 minutes sitting in a large back yard or the park can help). Tidy your bedroom or favorite reading corner for just the length of 3 favorite songs. Take your multivitamins. Watch a comedy. Text your sister or best friend. These will help keep your head above water as you get out of the overwhelm.

Limit multi-tasking. Do your best to not create situations where your attention will need to be in two places at once. I am not saying don’t have the washing machine running while you wipe down the kitchen. I am saying do not have more than one task or project going at the same time. If you are potty training, perhaps this is not the time to repaint the bathroom. Do not call the mechanic to schedule an oil change while you are serving up breakfast. Those are two situations that are guaranteed to get your stress hormones up and set you up for feeling pulled out of sorts.

Occasionally I will catch myself about to start a second project while still elbow deep in the first one. I usually say out loud: “I will not set myself up for failure.” Having a chuckle at myself and getting back to the task at hand helps to keep me in a good frame of mind.

Realize that this period of time is not your entire life. Have you heard the question, “Are you having a bad day, or just a bad five minutes?” A stressful month, a year of recovery, an emotional family upheaval: These are parts of your life. Not your whole life. Work to keep things in perspective.

When my oldest was in NICU I noticed that she has long, thin toes like me. I mentioned to the nurse that in 10 years I fully expected to catch her trying to pick up laundry off her bedroom floor with her toes. It was a silly comment (reflecting a memory from my own childhood), but it kept things in perspective. Yes, my baby was hooked up to a couple monitors and a machine at the time. My holding her was a project that took calling in two other medical professionals to handle all the wires and tubes. However, I was making sure that the moment did not blot out all thoughts of our future as a family.

In no way am I going to downplay stressful, difficult, exhausting portions of our life experiences. They happen. However, they are not our entire lives.

There are good portions. There are moments of joy. There are celebrations of progress and achievement. There are beautiful sunsets, perfect cups of tea, delightful lunches with friends, glorious moments of self-discovery, birthdays, and weddings. You are not “losing it” or being “disrespectful” if you can appreciate the good moments while dealing with a heavy portion of life. Those beautiful moments are often what keep us afloat. Watch for them. Savor them. Possibly journal about them.

Reach out when necessary. If you are having trouble finding the moments of happiness, or you have been carrying the heaviness of large problems for what feels like too long, perhaps it is time to have a conversation with someone about your situation.

I am fortunate in having a family that is fairly open about life’s ups and downs. In particular, an amazing husband; a mother who has been there, done that; and a couple of sisters who have been with me through some crazy times, and I for them. If needed, I have a few pastors who would listen, and possibly get me connected with local people and resources for almost any situation. I know several older women who would have hugs ready for me, no matter how long it has been since I saw them at a gathering. Hugs are amazing for telling your body and spirit that you are allowed to calm down.

Also, I have friends and relatives who have seen, or are seeing professionals about their physical and emotional needs. At one point there was a stigma about having a therapist or being on medication for anxiety, depression or ADHD, but not so much anymore. Whether seeing a professional for a particular season of life, to sort out something that happened to you, or for the foreseeable future, having an outside perspective can be a game changer. Medications, where appropriate, can be useful tools to feeling stable enough for forward motion. If you are feeling like walking out the front door and never stopping walking…it is definitely time to talk with someone.

Overwhelm can be temporary. A few moments to a few months of feeling pulled and stretched in too many directions is not unusual. When we decide to take the steps necessary to manage our emotions and calm our physical stress responses, it can be mitigated in times of high demand, and eliminated in minutes to hours when it’s something we unconsciously created for ourselves. I am not downplaying the severity of anxiety attacks, or crying ourselves to sleep. I have been there, done that, will do it again most likely. The main difference for me is that I have a hard-earned toolbox for dealing with them when I accidentally paint myself into a corner, or when life throws a curve ball. You can learn them, too. You’ve got this.